A Kind of Honesty Read online

  “Um… actually, I do,” she answered somewhat irritably.

  “What are you doing?” Carter hissed, glancing up from his pose.

  I set my borrowed mat next to his and crouched low to address him. “I’m here for you.”

  “This is a class,” the woman interjected. Her frown was barely discernable under the copious layers of Botox, but her snarl made it clear she wasn’t pleased.

  “Got it.” I turned back to Carter and poked at his shoulder to get his attention. “I need to tell you something.”

  My volume control was wonky. What began as a subtle whisper soon became my regular speaking voice. I wasn’t surprised when Greg made his way toward us to handle the commotion. And probably kick my ass out.

  “We can do this later,” Carter murmured.

  “No. It’s important.”

  “Hi, Tim.” Greg’s patient countenance was in direct contrast with the whirlwind energy I’d brought with me just by entering the room. “There’s a spot in—”

  “Yeah, I can’t do that. I have to talk to Carter,” I insisted belligerently.

  Carter reached for his towel before standing. He gave Greg an apologetic grimace and then grabbed my elbow to steer me toward the exit. “What is so—?”

  “I love you.”

  He dropped my arm and stared at me incredulously with his mouth open. I hadn’t bothered to lower my voice, so yeah… the entire class looked up to see what the fuck the late intruder was up to, spewing intimate declarations in the middle of their Zen time.

  “Uh….”

  Usually I wasn’t good in the spotlight. There was a reason I was a drummer, and it had nothing to do with my nervous habit of tapping my fingers on every imaginable surface in my perpetual search for rhythm. I liked being a background conduit, providing a baseline for harmony. I didn’t need my name in lights to know I was a necessary part of something bigger than myself. But this was a telling moment. There was no hiding in real life. If you wanted something, you had to fight for it. Or surrender to regret.

  “I do. And I have things to say. Things to tell you.”

  “I—come on.” He threw an apologetic glance at Greg and then tilted his head meaningfully before opening the door.

  He turned to face me in the hallway. A shadow fell over his handsome jaw, making it difficult to see his features clearly though we stood close now. I stilled my nervous hands and moved into his space with my heart in my throat.

  I swallowed hard and then let out a rush of air before blurting, “I’m ready.”

  “For what?”

  I narrowed my eyes at his aloof tone but pressed on.

  “Us. Look… I’m not perfect. Hell, I’m not even in your zip code. I’m a schmuck from Baltimore who’s made a ton of mistakes to avoid being hurt again. I didn’t think I was being dishonest. I just didn’t know how to give myself away without repeating my own fucked-up history. I thought I was protecting something or someone, but you were right… I was hiding.”

  “I didn’t say—”

  “You did. It’s okay. I needed to hear it.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “I came out to my mother. I’m not sure how long it takes to walk away from the worst parts of your past, but I’m not going to be tied to the bad memories anymore. They don’t matter now. You do. But fuck… you confuse me, Cart.

  “I’m in over my head. I’m pretty sure you’re too good for me. You’re smarter, sexier, better at baseball, yoga, and a million other things I’ll never get right. But I want to try. No more hiding. No pretending we’re buddies, friends of friends, or casual acquaintances who somehow ended up in the same place. Wherever you are… that’s where I want to be. Always. And I don’t care who knows. You’re it for me.”

  He stared at me for a long moment in the semidark hallway. I watched his Adam’s apple move and noted the small tremor in his hand when he lifted it to push his hair from his eyes. But I couldn’t read the signs with any sense of certainty. I was a novice. I had no experience to draw from. I couldn’t begin to write the script from here. It was all a gamble. But maybe that’s what love was. A big gamble. A shot in the dark aiming for the best thing that’s ever come your way and hoping against all odds it ricochets back.

  “People will talk,” he whispered, inching closer to me. His nostrils flared slightly. I could feel the heat from his skin. I wanted nothing more than to pull him against me, but he still looked unsure.

  “Let them. Hell, they’re talking about us now,” I said, gesturing toward the closed studio door with my thumb. “I bet they’re wondering if you’re gonna give me another chance.”

  I reached out to tentatively run my thumb along his jawline. I knew we weren’t really alone. I knew my timing might be off, but then again, it might be perfect. I cupped the back of his neck and drew him to me until I could feel his breath on my lips. Peppermint and coffee. I traced his brow, smoothing out the creases of worry and frustration. And then I licked the corner of his mouth, silently begging him to meet me the rest of the way. To assure me he was with me.

  And suddenly he was everywhere. His tongue was in my mouth, his hands were in my hair. He moved around me, pulling me against him with feverish insistence, like he was making his own claim. And nothing in my life had ever felt more important. Or honest. I felt everything all at once. Fear, hope, admiration, adoration, and… love. It was frighteningly simple, though completely unexpected. Maybe that’s why it felt like magic.

  I pulled away breathlessly. “Is that a yes?”

  “Yes.” He cracked a smile and chuckled softly.

  “I’m going to get it right this time,” I promised.

  Much to my chagrin, he laughed harder, then hugged me fiercely to his chest. “Tell me you believe me,” I demanded, my voice muffled in his shirt.

  “I believe you.” Carter kissed my forehead and my eyes before pulling away. “I love you too. And I can’t believe you did this at fucking yoga.”

  “Yeah. Well, I’m ready to get out of here. We’ll try the Saturday class next weekend.”

  He laced his fingers through mine and moved toward the exit, studiously ignoring the man taking a barrage of photographs as he pushed open the door. “Okay. Want to get coffee?”

  “No. I want to go home. With you.”

  Carter stopped in the doorway and gallantly lifted my hand to his lips. His eyes twinkled with mischief. And love. I was humbled by his honesty and fearlessness. This man wasn’t special because of his last name, his money, or his stature in a city easily impressed with material gain and financial savvy. Those were unnecessary layers he’d worked for or inherited. The part I loved was innate. The joyful, breezy man who made me smile every time he walked in a room. I squeezed his hand before leaning in to kiss him again. On a New York City sidewalk in the middle of the day with the paparazzi in the window and the world spinning around us.

  I was vaguely aware of catcalls and a round of applause, but the background noise faded. Nothing registered as important. I was where I wanted to be… where I was supposed to be. Nothing to hide and nothing to fear. There was no shame here. Only a kind of honesty.

  Epilogue

  “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

  ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

  The black-and-white keys gleamed under my fingers. I couldn’t help being impressed with my dexterity as I leaned into the instrument, humming the words to the song I’d finally written. It was good. In fact, it was so good we’d decided at the last second to add it as a bonus track on our album. It was set to be released as a single at the end of the month, and the execs at Suite Dog were already waging bets this one would hit number one faster than any of our previous songs. Rand gave me a proud brotherly “I told you so,” and though I was pleased, I wasn’t concerned with chart position. “Surrender” was personal. It couldn’t be measured by record sales or concert tickets. The haunting melody and simple lyrics were about honesty, love, and ultimately giv
ing in to something bigger than yourself. The average listener might hear a spiritual ballad or a love song, but that was up to their interpretation.

  This was for Carter.

  “When the dark threatens to swallow my soul, I won’t run, I won’t hide, I won’t give in. I only surrender to you.”

  I was playing it live tonight at Madison Square Garden for the first night of Spiral’s world tour. I didn’t want to fuck this up. Daily practice had definitely helped improve my overall skills behind the piano, but I felt exposed with this instrument in a way I didn’t with the drums. I couldn’t hide in the beat. I had to face the music head-on. It was empowering, but honestly, it was scary too.

  “Hmm. That sounds nice.”

  I glanced up as Carter walked into the living room. He stood at the side of the gorgeous black baby grand that had been in his family for decades and smiled. His eyes creased at the corners and twinkled with pride, joy, and yes… love. I stopped playing and beckoned him to sit on the bench beside me.

  “Nice? That’s the best you can do?” I wrapped my arm around his neck and squeezed him close as I nuzzled my scruffy jaw against his.

  Carter chuckled, gently pushing me back. He kissed my nose and tried again. “Amazing.”

  “Better. My fragile ego can’t take weak-sauce adjectives, baby,” I commented as I worked on the first couple buttons of his dress shirt with one hand and his belt with the other.

  He stilled my fingers and then kissed them. “What time are your mom and sister getting here? They’re bringing Liam, right?”

  I let my head fall against the piano in a theatric show of defeat. “How many times do I have to tell you not to bring up family when I’m trying to get some? It’s….”

  “Gross?” he supplied with a grin. “Disconcerting?”

  “Yes. Add creepy too.”

  Carter snickered at my pained expression and nudged my elbow companionably. “Sorry. I’ll try to remember next time. Gail told me….”

  I turned to face him as he went into expansive detail about my family’s impending visit. They were staying at my old place, which would give them plenty of room to get away from each other if Kat and Mom got on each other’s nerves. And Liam could use my old music room to build LEGOs and hang out on his own. I’d moved all of my equipment to Carter’s home when I moved in before the holidays last year. The music room here was under construction at the moment. I wanted it soundproof because although I was back to playing all my instruments again, the drums still came first.

  Once we decided to live together, we figured it was best if I was settled in before the album was released. It turned out to be a good idea. It was only March, but the year had already been a whirlwind of activity. Our first single entered the Billboard charts in January at number ten and rose within a week to the number-one slot. The album was enjoying some serious hang time in an elite position too. There was talk of us breaking one of the Beatles’ records, but I couldn’t remember what it was for. The hype was fun and invigorating, but it wasn’t a forever thing. The man beside me was.

  A year had passed since we’d met in a dingy LA bar and everything in my world had changed. Sure, professionally I’d already been doing well, but personally I felt… whole again. Honest. Complete. No lies and no room for ambiguity. I was head over heels for Carter the Fourth, and I made no secret about it.

  Miranda’s story became her own public relations nightmare as she fought to distance herself from her string of lies and deal with her new role as a single mother. I purposely ignored every update about her. She was my past. I had other things to worry about, like Kat’s emergence from rehab to a sober-living home. For the first time in years, I was hopeful for her sake. For all of ours. The healing process for my family had begun. I could feel the skin come together, rebinding and strengthening. We were going to be okay.

  “So you’ll be there tonight, right?”

  Carter gave me a curious look. “You know I wouldn’t miss this.”

  “I might fuck this up spectacularly. What if I forget the lyrics? What if I freeze and can’t remember how to play the piano in front of twenty thousand people? You’ll be mighty embarrassed to admit you even know me, Cart.”

  “Not gonna happen. But if you get nervous, pretend I’m the only one in the audience.”

  I cocked my head and nodded. “You’re the only one who counts.”

  Carter smiled. A small upturn of the lips that quickly became something infinitely more beautiful. I couldn’t help returning the gesture as I marveled at my insane luck. I wondered sometimes if the orphaned rich boy realized the impact he’d had on so many lives. With his curious, joyful countenance and unwavering strength, he was where my world began again. My touchstone for truth. He inspired me to surrender to love. And our own kind of honesty.

  A Kind of Truth

  Rand O’Malley dreams of superstardom. He hopes to one day sing the blues like a rock god. Moving to New York City and hiring a new manager are steps to make his dreams a reality. But nothing moves as fast as Rand would like, and everyone has opinions, for example that he should keep certain pieces of himself quiet if he plans on making it in the Big Apple. Like his bisexuality.

  Will Sanders is a gifted musician who dazzles Rand with his ability to coax gorgeous notes from an electric guitar one moment and play the piano like a professional the next. He’s a geek, but Rand isn’t concerned about Will’s pressed exterior clashing with his tattoos. His focus is music. Yet there’s something about Will that makes Rand think there’s much more to the quiet college student than he lets on. As Rand’s dreams begin to materialize, he’s forced to reconsider his priorities and find his own kind of truth. One that might include Will.

  A Kind of Romance

  Zeke Gulden is a ruthless Wall Street exec. His hard-edged, no-nonsense attitude has served him well in the cutthroat business world, but less so in his personal life. When he finds out his ex-boyfriend cheated on him with a coworker, Zeke can’t let go—not until he finds a way to get even. However, his meddlesome father has other ideas. The new hire at the family-owned bagel store is somewhat colorful, but his dad is sure he’s the perfect man for Zeke.

  Benny Ruggieri is a fiercely proud New Yorker who dreams of making it big as a costume designer in the theater. In the meantime, he’s working two part-time jobs in the food biz. When his new boss sets him up with his successful son, Benny has zero expectations. If nothing else, he figures he can entertain himself by making the uptight businessman squirm. Instead, the two become unlikely friends with an inexplicable attraction they can’t ignore. Benny might be the one to help Zeke set aside his quest for revenge, if he’s willing to let go and forgive what he can’t forget… and give in to an unexpected kind of romance.

  A Kind of Home

  Isaac Dalton is the guitarist for Spiral, arguably the biggest rock band in the world. The band’s meteoric rise to superstardom has its perks, but fame and fortune aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Nonstop touring and performing exhaust Isaac, and when an overzealous fan makes it imperative that he travel with a clingy bodyguard, he is ready for a break from the madness. More so when his newly single first crush shows up on his doorstep. Adam is strictly off-limits. He’s a memory from a place Isaac would rather leave behind. And he’s straight.

  Fun-loving former athlete slash construction worker Adam McBride desperately needs a new beginning. And New York City is the perfect place to start over and think about how to rebuild his life. A short stint as roommates with his brother’s best friend from high school seems like a mutually beneficial arrangement. However, when friendship gives way to fierce attraction, both men find themselves in uncharted and possibly dangerous territory. Isaac has to decide if he’s willing to take the ultimate risk for a kind of love and a kind of home he never dreamed possible.

  Starting From Zero

  Check out Book 1 in my newest rock and roll series, Starting From Zero. Book 2, Starting From Scratch, will be released Fall 2019!
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br />   Justin Cuevas is going through a rough patch. A broken relationship, a scandal, and the demise of his band have shaken the aspiring rock star’s confidence. Working two jobs and sleeping on his friend’s sofa isn’t ideal, but Justin isn’t ready to give up yet. With a little luck, he’s hoping to re-launch his music career in LA with his new band, Zero. The key is to stay focused, and not get distracted by his past…or the sexy songwriter he can’t get out of his head.

  Gray Robertson has written dozens of hits and worked with some of the biggest names in the industry. But he’s never met anyone like Justin. The younger man is fiery, passionate, and smart. A powerful voice for a new generation. Other than an unforgettable one-night stand and a passion for music, the two men have nothing in common. Or do they? Justin knows the out-of-the-blue challenge to write a quintessential love song is a huge opportunity. And it’s the ultimate test for someone who’s doesn’t believe in happily ever after. When sparks fly, Justin and Gray realize they have a shot something special if they start from zero together. Maybe even love.

  Coming Soon - Out in the Field

  Don’t miss the other books in Out in College too!

  Excerpt from Out in the Field - July 2019

  Phoenix followed me back to my place. He parked in a visitor spot near the entrance and waited for me in the lobby. We held hands on the elevator ride upstairs, but we didn’t talk. I figured we were both anxious to get naked and really, there wasn’t much more to say. But when I unlocked my door and held it open for him, I sensed that his silence had more to do with nerves than desire.

  I pulled my jacket off and set it on one of the barstools at the kitchen peninsula. “Are you thirsty? We have water. Maybe wine too…or tequila.” I waggled my eyebrows playfully.